Yesterday did not go at all like I had hoped it would. After the day dragging on it was time for me to call the RE's answering service to get my results from my beta. I could tell immediately when I heard the nurses voice that it wasn't good. They said that my beta level came back at a 10 and anything over a 5 is positive but this was an extremely low positive. So I have to go back for another beta on Wednesday. After I listened to the message at first I was kind of excited because a positive is a positive and why wouldn't it work for me?! Then I proceeded to do some research online and it didn't look good at all. I can't find any stories with someone having a beta so low and continuing on to a successful pregnancy. I was heartbroken so I took a pregnancy test because I had one and it didn't even come up positive so the numbers are that low. I hate that I have to wait until Wednesday to know for sure but I am preparing myself for the worst that it's not going to work.
Why do I have to be punished this way - if it's not going to work why couldn't it have just come back as a negative in the first place - why put us on more of a roller coaster than we are already on. I was so stressed out about this as it was because these were our only 2 embryos we had left - why does it have to be harder. My heart is so heavy and I am so angry right now - why us. I HATE that we have to deal with infertility, I HATE that we can't get pregnant the 'normal' way, I HATE the thought of Adam possibly being an only child, I HATE that we have to spend all this money for no results, I HATE this. I am so tired of seeing negative pregnancy tests.
Don't get me wrong I feel so incredibly blessed that we have Adam and I treasure him more now than ever but my heart doesn't feel full yet. I know we are still meant to have more children. I just feel a little helpless right now.
1 comment:
I'm so sorry. Sending you big hugs.
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